Joke: Mexican Word of the Day

This isn't meant to offend anyone, and if it does, I'm sort of sorry but not really. I thought this was funny shit!

Mexican Word of the Day is Wafer
I wanted to go to the movies with my friends, pero los mensos didn't wafer me.

Mexican Word of the Day is July
Ju told me ju were going to tha store and JULY to me! JULYER!

Mexican Word of the Day is Mushroom
Orale vato, when all my family gets in the car there's not mushroom!

Mexican Word of the Day is Chicken
My wife wanted me to go to the store, pero chicken go herself.

Mexican word of the day is Rectum
I got two cars but not anymore because my wife rectum.

Mexican word of the day is Texas
My ruca always Texas me when I'm not home wondering where I'm at.

Mexican word of the day is Defender
Last week my ruca wrecked my car pero gracias a dios nothing happen to tha grill just defender.

Mexican word of the day is Juarez
My vieja slapped me and I said, "Juarez your freaking problem?"

Mexican word of the day is Cheese
My girlfriend wants me to get her pregnant pero cheese crazy!

Mexican word of the day is Brief
My homie farted so bad that I couldn't brief.

Mexican word of the day is Cashew
I tried running after you, but I couldn't cashew!

Mexican word of the day is Bishop
The other day my ruca fell down the stairs, and I had to pick the Bishop.

Mexican word of the day is Wheelchair
My homie was drinkin a bud light when I told him "Hey vato wheres mine?"
He told me "Don't worry. Wheelchair."

Joke: A Blonde With Big Tits

President George W. Bush and Colin Powell are drinking in a pub close to Old Town Square in Prague. A guy walks in and asks the bartender,"Isn't that Bush and Powell sitting over there?"

The barman says, "Yep, that's them."

So the guy walks over and says, "Wow, this is a real honor. What are you guys doing in here?"

Bush says, "We're planning WW III."

The guy says, "Really? What's going to happen?"

Bush says, "Well, we're going to kill 40 million Iraqis this time and one blonde with big tits."

A little perplexed the guy exclaimed, "A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?"

Bush turns to Powell, punches him on the shoulder and says, "See, smart ass?! I told you no one would worry about the 40 million Iraqis.

Assholes Like You Should Take The Bus

My wonderful husband* gave me this

And, I scanned it and put it up here just for you. Please print and distribute as needed.

*Now, you know why I married his ass.

Joke: Are You Dumber Than a Pre-Schooler?

You may have seen this in an email before. If so, move along. Don't ruin it for the rest of the lumplumps. If not, please tell me if this bus (yes, that's a bus in that picture) is going to the right or left and how you know. That's right. I'm one of those mean teachers that makes you explain the answer. No guessing! AGAIN, if you KNOW the answer, do NOT post a comment. Or, I will have to kick your ass.

Supposedly, according to the email, 90% of pre-school students could answer "correctly". So as not to spoil the fun--or let you cheaters cheat, I will post the answer as a comment in a few hours.

Joke: Hypocrite

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him, and I noticed the 'What would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker and the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, and the 'Follow me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed that you had stolen the car!"

Joke: And, That's When the Fight Started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And, that's when the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And, that's when the fight started...

My wife was standing in the nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw, and she said, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

I said, "Your eyesight is damn near perfect."

And, that's when the fight started...

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I asked, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't eve look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So, I said, "Then, I'd like to phone a friend."

And, that's when the fight started...

IIIIIIII'MMMMM GAY

This is the Kia Sportage they gave Travis when he took his 1965 Mustang in to get it fixed (from a not-at-fault wreck). Something about this car just says, "I'm a little feminine." I don't know what it is exactly--can't quite put my finger on it. Perhaps my good buddy Jeff Dunham can help. The clip of interest is at about the 2 minute mark (to about 3 minutes).

Oh, now I get it. And, if you don't think that is the funniest shit ever, well, I just don't know if I can be your friend anymore.

See, Men Are Dogs!

In case anyone ever needed proof, here it is. Men really are dogs. I think the funniest thing about this is that Travis can fit in Pepe's crate. I mean, the dog is 5 pounds. His crate is big enough for a Greyhound. I think Pepe was really enjoying using him as a pillow. Although, I'm sure Travis wasn't nearly as comfortable, not just because of the cramped quarters, but because Pepe has about 1000 toys, and I had just put them all in his crate.