FYI: The J.O.B.

So, I got this new fancy smancy job working for the State. I won't say doing what so as to somewhat protect myself from getting fired when I make racist comments, bitch about how shitty work is, and say otherwise unscrupulous and immoral things on this here blog. Because, let's face it, you assholes will try to get me fired just because I hate Dagmar.

So, I want to start out my bitching by saying that I can only work 19 hours in a week because I am part-time. According to the State, if you work more than 19 hours, you are eligible for benefits, and they are required to offer them to you. Well, whoopdeefuckingdoo with your benefits. I just need some damn money! My husband's work has much better insurance than the State at a much cheaper cost to us, so I could give two shits about that. I just need some cash!

Now, let me back up and say that I guess I wouldn't be so irritated by this if they hadn't interviewed me for a full-time position that they never got funding established for. Yeah, that's right. AFTER they drug me through THREE. FUCKING. INTERVIEWS. They let me know that funding hadn't been secured, and they weren't sure it would be. Well, lucky me, there just so happened to be a part-time opening because (guess what!) the funding didn't come through. Gotta love it.

Where Does That Money Come From???

So, I'm sure all of you have heard about the 30,000 people showing up to 100 available Section 8 homes in East Point, GA. But, have you heard the Regular Guys talk to the applicants? Unless you live in the metro area, I'm guessing you haven't. And, you need to:

Go here. (Yes, it's a download, but it is directly from their podcast, and I have no way of linking directly to it other than the file. It's not a virus.) And just listen. The most important part is around 7 minutes if you want to skip.

It's not enough that they are bitching that the housing authority wasn't prepared for 30,ooo people. Oh, no, they are expecting a fucking handout. As usual. The guy has no reason to be in government housing. No. Fucking. Reason. He's not handicapped. His children aren't handicapped. His wife baby-mama isn't handicapped. There is NOTHING wrong with him. Or his family. Or his ability to pay rent. He doesn't even give a sob story about being laid off (like so many of us who actually work) since, well, you have to have a job in the first place to get laid off. When they ask him where the money comes from, he acts like he doesn't know. They tell him. Then he's all like, "I figured." Well, if you figured the taxpayers were paying your lazy fucking ass' way, why didn't you get a job?! Because you're a worthless ass piece of shit, and you are what is wrong with our country! And, he's not happy or thankful about it. Because "some people might disagree with that". Yeah, some people might disagree with the fact that taxpayers pay your lazy ass fucking way. Like you. Right. Except you'd be fucking wrong. T-totally fucking wrong, asshole.

You've Got to be Kidding: Only in Jackson County...

...does stealing some chicken make headlining news.

From my (previously) local paper:

"Apparently, a suspect really likes chicken — to the point of stealing, according to the Braselton Police Department.

"A tractor-trailer truck driver told police that he parked his vehicle at the Pilot Travel Center on Ga. Hwy. 53. Sometime after midnight, a suspect entered his sealed trailer and took several boxes of chicken, according to an incident report.

"The stolen boxes were valued at $1,300."

This just made me cluck and cluck laugh and laugh! Must be a slow news day. Oh, wait, that's everyday in Podunk, Georgia.

Barney Fife is Alive and Well in Atlanta

According to CBS Atlanta, Barney Fife is working for Atlanta PD. Imagine if you will, a conversation much like this:

Chief: "So, uh, where'd you say that gun was?"

Green: "Well, uh, I think I might have left it in my trunk."

Chief: "Well, is it in there now?"

Green: "Well, uh, no."

Chief: "So, how did it get out of the trunk?"

Green: "Uh, well, if you must know, the crack dealer took it when I didn't pay up."

No shit.

Biggest issue here:

"Atlanta police officials said in a statement Monday that they are still looking for the gun. 'At this time we are not commenting on the drug testing. The officer is suspended with pay pending a hearing with the chief of police,' the statement said."

What the fuck? Why are they paying him while they investigate his positive cocaine test and loss of his work weapon? Seriously.

Buy That PETA Meat

Legitimate or not, I'm sure some PETA nutjob somewhere out there believes this. And, I'm OK with letting them go on thinking like that. Why? Because I don't have the time, energy, or gumption to try to convince their pea-sized brain otherwise. And, I'm OK with that, too.

Why I Fucking Hate Teachers

I got this in an email:

The dinner guests were sitting around the table discussing life. One man, a CEO, decided to explain the problem with education. He argued, "What's a kid going to learn from someone who decided his best option in life was to become a teacher?" He reminded the other dinner guests what they say about teachers: "Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." To stress his point he said to another guest; "You're a teacher, Bonnie. Be honest... what do you make?"

Bonnie, who had a reputation for honesty and frankness replied, "You want to know what I make?" (She paused for a second, then began...) "Well, I make kids work harder than they ever thought they could. I make a C+ feel like a Medal of Honour. I make kids sit through 40 minutes of class time when their parents can't make them sit for 5 without an I Pod, Game Cube or movie rental. You want to know what I make?" (She paused again and looked at each and every person at the table.) ''I make kids wonder.. I make them question.. I make them apologize and mean it. I make them have respect and take responsibility for their actions. I teach them to write and then I make them write... keyboarding isn't everything. I make them read, read, read. I make them show all their work in math. They use their God given brain, not the man-made calculator. I make my students from other countries learn everything they need to know in English while preserving their unique cultural identity. I make my classroom a place where all my students feel safe. I make my students stand and sing O Canada every morning, because we live in this great country called Canada . Finally, I make them understand that if they use the gifts they were given, work hard, and follow their hearts, they can succeed in life." (Bonnie paused one last time and then continued.) "Then, when people try to judge me by what I make, with me knowing money isn't everything, I can hold my head up high and pay no attention because they are ignorant.............You want to know what I make? I MAKE A DIFFERENCE. What do you make Mr. CEO?"

His jaw dropped, he went silent.

That CEO must be a flaming retard. CEO's make a difference--at least I know a good bit that do. And, I have never had a teacher that did any of those things (must be because I'm not in the holy land of Canada). Honestly. I am substituting right now, and anyone stupid enough to be a teacher is beyond me. I still live by the motto of those that can do and those that can't teach. Hell, those that can't teach administrate. I may sound like a hypocrite right now, since I'm sort of teaching, but I would never do this for real. It's a fucking joke. And, just so you know, teachers make a whole hell of a lot more money than they like to let on. Hell, with a couple years experience and a master's, they make more than I would as an Engineer. So, to all the asshole teachers out there, here's a big FUCK YOU.

The end.

You've Got to be Kidding: James Otto is a Tit Man

So, I thought I was a fan of James Otto, but I may not be now.

This past Friday, a friend of mine (well, he's Travis' friend, but he's cool) went to see James Otto at Cowboys in Kennesaw. He was with some chick he's banging, and she wanted Otto's autograph. She went up to him to ask him to sign her ticket stub, and he was like, "Yeah, well, I sigh other stuff, too."

To which she is like, "Uh, do you mean my boobs?"

And, he's all like "Uh, yeah. Let me see 'em."

And, she's all like, "Uh, no. I'm not letting you see my tits."

Jesus. Doesn't that asshole know it is Easter?

You've Got to be Kidding: Typing Illiteracy

Is it really possible in the year 2009 that anyone below the age of 30 cannot touch-type?

Well, it shouldn't be.

Everyone in the past 10 years has been required to take a typing class in school (at least in Georgia). I started in 6th grade. 6th grade, kids. And, while I am an exception to the norm because my dad was a programmer, and we had computers my entire life (ie, in the 80's!), I can't grasp the fact that anyone in my generation cannot at least type a little. I mean, you should not have to look around the keyboard to find a letter. Really.

I know this is totally random, but the girl at my tanning salon is a hunt and pecker of the worst persuasion. And, she can't be 30. She's been tanning her entire life, and her skin would look a hell of a lot worse if she were. (I am only tanning for a month or two before the wedding. White does not go with white skin no matter what.) It is just unbelievable to me. Did the girl not go to high school? Well, that's entirely possible. I mean, she wears an "Elite Beach Bunny" tank top every time I see her. She can't be the brightest bulb in the pack, OK.

Anyway, I think we need to start one of those nonprofits to end typing illiteracy. I mean, they must have a cookie cutter set of directions by now. There are only about 10 nonprofits for every person in the United States. I mean, just fill in the blank: The nonprofit group to end ________. It's kind of ridiculous.

Confession: I Hate Dogmar Midcrap

Dagmar Midcap aka Dogmar Midcrap is the stupid bitch of a weather girl on the local CBS affiliate. And, I hate her. She's a complete idiot. We are having a massive amount of tornadoes in Georgia right now. This moron called Monticello "montechello--like the instrument. I mean, really. You work in Georgia. Learn how to say the names of the God damned cities. I can't help it you're a Canadian. It's not Dackula. It's not like Dracula. It's Daquela. It's not Winder, like the southern folk call windows. It is Winder, as it wind it up. OMG!

Ragged Top

Road trips are always fun. You never know what you will see on the interstate. You should always keep a camera with you. Case in point, the picture above. Mr. I'm-showing-off-in-my-WHOREVette-with-my-vanity-tag-"1RAGTOP".

Actually, the tag is somewhat correct. I'd say it's more of a "ragged top" considering there is no glass (or whatever material it would be) in the back window.

LOL. Now, that's funny right there. I don't care who you are!

The Lowest Common Denominator? Idiot

From MSNBC Weird News:

"As the British government was poised in November to re-classify lap-dancing clubs from 'entertainment' to 'sexual encounter establishments' (thus imposing tougher licensing standards), the industry's trade association insisted to a Parliamentary committee that the clubs are not sexual. '(T)he entertainment may be in the form of nude ... performers, but it's not sexually stimulating,' said the chairman of the Lap Dancing Association. That would be 'contrary to our business plan.' [The Guardian, 11-26-08]"

Um, I think you may be doing it wrong.

"Drunk-Driving News: Kathleen Cherry, 53, was arrested for DUI in Carson City, Nev., in December. She is a phlebotomist working on contract with the sheriff's office and was driving to the jailhouse to administer a blood test to a DUI suspect. [KUSA-TV-AP (Denver), 12-7-08]"

Um, at least you have good job security.

"Elizabeth Shelton, 21, filed a lawsuit in Houston in December against the truck driver that she accidentally rear-ended in a 2007 crash, while she was intoxicated, and in which her boyfriend was killed. Though she was convicted of manslaughter, she is now suing for $20,000 damage to her Lexus SUV and for 'pain and suffering,' basing her claim on the fact that the blameless driver she hit was uninsured. In all, her lawsuit names 16 defendants, including insurance companies and banks. Shelton is the daughter of a state court judge. [Houston Chronicle, 12-18-08]"

Um, Daddy couldn't get you off the first time, do you think he will now? Really? No.

I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday for Your Daugther Today*

From MSNBC News:

"GREENFIELD, Calif. - Police have arrested a Greenfield man for allegedly arranging to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat.

"Police said they only learned of the deal after the 36-year-old man went to them to get his daughter back because payment wasn't made as promised. The man was arrested Sunday on suspicion of human trafficking.

"Officers also arrested an 18-year-old man on suspicion of statutory rape. Investigators believe the girl went willingly with the man, but she's under California's legal age of consent and can't legally marry.

"Police say arranged marriages involving underage girls have become a problem in this small Central Coast farming community."

Hell, what is California coming to? I thought that shit only happened in Alabama, Mississippi, and Georgia. She must have been a looker, too, boy! $16,000 and 100 cases of beer? Shewwee! That's a keeper!

*If you don't know what this means, see Urban Dictionary. Because if you don't get it, it really isn't funny.

Moral of the Story: Plaxico Burress PSA

I saw this a while back (like, way back, when this happened), but someone just emailed it to me again. I figured most of you have seen it by now, but just in case you hadn't, I had to post it. And, hell, even if you have seen it, watch it again. Because that shit is funny. I mean, just f'ing hilarious.

You've Got to be Kidding: "Chad Blue Knows"

From MSNBC Weird News:

"In November, a judge in Dublin, Ga., sentenced Rico Todriquez Wright, 25, to at least 20 years in prison for the 2006 shooting of Chad Blue, who had told police initially that he didn't know who had shot him. Blue later heard a thug-life song on CD, 'Hitting Licks for a Living,' in which rap singer Wright brags, 'Chad Blue knows how I shoot' and realized Wright was the one who shot him that night. [Atlanta Journal-Constitution-AP, 11-19-08]"

Victim - 1; Cocky son-of-a-bitch - 0. Ha. Ha.

"Obama Would Change All That"

You absolutely can't make this shit up. From my ex-hometown newspaper, The Commerce News:

"A Nicholson woman who thinks the election of Barack Obama as president will end racism in Jackson County may need a presidential pardon.

"Commerce police arrested Gail Louise Brown, 51, of 163 Tommy Barnett Lane Dec. 9 after she allegedly cursed loudly and repeatedly as police diffused a domestic incident at BJC Medical Center.

"Barnett* was one of several family members who went to the hospital to see a male 'under protective care' at the facility. Staff called the police after family members refused to leave.

"Barnett*, according to the officer’s account, did not go quietly. She allegedly made repeated and loud obscene remarks. She also charged that 'Jackson County is redneck and racist and Obama would change all that once he’s in office,' the officer said.

"Barnett* was charged with disorderly conduct."

I'm sorry, but that is just funny. But, here we go again with the reverse discrimination. Just because Jackson County is rural and, admittedly, redneck, we are automatically racist. Perfect. Anywho, I won't get on that reverse discrimination bus anymore today. I just hope they realize Obama isn't going to save them. Oh, hell, no I don't. I don't care what they realize. They brought it on themselves. Let them suffer the consequences.

*Note: I think they confused the street name with her last name. I believe the instances where you see "Barnett" you should see "Brown".

You've Got to be Kidding: Religious Persecution

*This is NOT a PG-13 post.

I really thought things were going to change. OK, no I didn't. Obama hasn't even taken office yet, and already I'm bitching about his failures. If he is anything short of a complete failure, color me red, I will be surprised. Very surprised.

What am I going on about? Obama was supposed to make this nation colorblind. He was supposed to erase all hate and prejudice. He was supposed to end racial, religious, and all other forms of discrimination. You see, he was elected the first black President in a nation consumed by white supremacy and religious intolerance. A nation that uplifts whites and oppresses blacks. A nation that uplifts Christians and oppresses any other religion. At least, that's what everyone wanted you to think during his campaign.

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times. And, honestly, I probably have. Because this shit happens every day. All the time. To all kinds of people. Reverse discrimination is still fucking discrimination. And, I get really damn sick and tired of the absolute bullshit. Really. Sick. And. Tired.

Here's the story that got me so riled up this morning: A Muslim woman was arrested and held for contempt of court for refusing to remove her head covering, which was a violation of court policy. And, you know, the woman (who was from Connecticut but recently moved to Georgia) had the audacity to say that the incident reminded her of the civil rights-era South. Says the imbecile, "'I just felt stripped of my civil, my human rights.'"

Good for you. Way to make this a civil rights issue. It's a fucking court policy. She wasn't even there for her own court appearance (she was accompanying her nephew for his traffic violation hearing), so she could have easily left. But, instead, she had to be a shit-starting bitch and make a huge deal out of nothing.

Now, in case you think I'm just a racist bigot, let me explain to you why this pisses me the fuck off. Even though you're going to think I'm a racist bigot regardless, if you already do, because, well, if I have to explain it to you, you just don't get the whole post anyway, and, frankly, you are not worth my time. Not by a long shot. The issue I take with this is that, EVEN THOUGH "there have been similar cases in other states, including Michigan, where a Muslim woman in Detroit filed a federal lawsuit in February 2007 after a judge dismissed her small-claims court case when she refused to remove a head and face veil", this had to be about some civil-rights bullshit. Because every single person in the South is racist and discriminatory. She just had to go and play the race/religion/whatever discrimination card.

I realize she is dumber than a box of rocks, but does she REALLY think this was about her religion? Because it wasn't. It was about a court policy. A policy that is in place to protect people from another Brian Nichols-type situation. (Yes, I realize he didn't bring his own gun. But, he did shoot up the courthouse. That's my point here.) And, by making it into a religious issue, due to the fact that we are the "discriminatory South" and everyone here is discriminatory, she is guilty of reverse discrimination. Hell, if the stupid bitch hadn't insulted an officer, she probably wouldn't have even been arrested for the violation--just asked to leave:

"Hall [Valentine's husband] said Valentine, an insurance underwriter, told the bailiff that she had been in courtrooms before with the scarf on and that removing it would be a religious violation. When she turned to leave and uttered an expletive, Hall said a bailiff handcuffed her and took her before the judge."

Honey, really, it doesn't matter if you've worn it in other courtrooms. It is a court's right to make those kinds of policies:

"Kelley Jackson, a spokeswoman for Georgia Attorney General Thurbert Baker, said state law doesn't permit or prohibit head scarfs.

"'It's at the discretion of the judge and the sheriffs and is up to the security officers in the court house to enforce their decision,' she said."

So, go ahead, call me a racist bigot. She played the religious persecution card when the only thing persecuted was the poor bailiff.

Moral of the Story: I. Ain't. Did. Nothing.

From my ex-hometown newspaper, The Commerce News (read the whole thing, damnit!):

"A Norcross man who drove at speeds up to 130 miles per hour in the wrong lane of Interstate 85 early Sunday morning expressed dismay that police thought he’d done anything wrong.

"A Commerce officer working the interstate received a lookout from Banks County about a vehicle traveling south in the northbound lane of I-85. The officer awaited the vehicle at an exit ramp and, when he saw it approaching, deployed “stop sticks,” only to see the driver swerve and avoid them.

"The officer gave chase — two cars barreling down I-85 going the wrong way — trying desperately to get the driver to pull over. He reported oncoming cars swerving to avoid head-on collisions as the chase hit 100 mph.

"The officer broke off the chase, switched to the southbound lane, caught up with the vehicle and tried to convince the driver via flashing lights and the vehicle’s PA system to pull over.

"The driver, later identified as Darnell Prince Clifton, 24, 5705 Singleton Road, Norcross, kept both hands on the steering wheel, stared straight ahead and ignored the officer. His speed hit 100 mph, later 130 mph, the officer wrote, until he finally slowed down, drove his car into the median and stopped.

"With his gun drawn, the officer said he approached the vehicle and yelled for the driver to shut off the car and put his hands up, but Clifton ignored him, the arrest report said. After a backup officer arrived, they finally got Clifton to unlock the car, at which time he asked, 'Why are you being so mean to me?' according to the arrest report.

"The officers pulled him out and placed him prone on the ground.

"'He began to complain that he was being beat up,' the officer wrote. 'However, no blows were thrown ...' The suspect complained that police 'were messing with him and he did not see what the big deal was.' He also denied fleeing from officers and said he 'tried to slow down' three times and complained that the interstate highway was 'very confusing.'

"On the way to the Jackson County Jail, Clifton allegedly complained that 'I ain’t did nothing,' that he didn’t run into anyone and that he was flashing his lights to warn oncoming motorists.

"He was charged with driving under the influence (DUI), reckless conduct, reckless driving, criminal interference with government property, driving the wrong way on a one-way road, failure to maintain a lane, aggressive driving and fleeing and attempting to elude. Police also discovered that he had an outstanding burglary warrant from Williamsburg, VA."

I. Ain't. Did. Nothing. OK, OK, let me wipe my tears. Now that my sides are aching and I'm coughing like I have COPD (since I've been sick) from all the laughter, let's dissect this.

"'Why are you being so mean to me?'" - Because you're a farkin' arsehole who was driving over 100 miles an hour in the WRONG lane on the interstate!

"The suspect complained that police 'were messing with him and he did not see what the big deal was.'" - The big deal is you are a farkin' arsehole who was driving over 100 miles an hour in the WRONG lane on the interstate!

"'I ain’t did nothing.'" - Yes, you is did something. You are being a farkin' arsehole who was driving over 100 miles an hour in the WRONG lane on the interstate!

"He was charged with driving under the influence (DUI), reckless conduct, reckless driving, criminal interference with government property, driving the wrong way on a one-way road, failure to maintain a lane, aggressive driving and fleeing and attempting to elude." - Now, that's just funny. Who wants to bet he'll be given no jail time and less than $1,000 in fines? Who wants to take my money?

"Police also discovered that he had an outstanding burglary warrant from Williamsburg, VA." - Haha. That's what you get for being a farkin' arsehole who was driving over 100 miles an hour in the WRONG lane on the interstate!

Moral of the story: Don't be a farkin' arsehole who drives over 100 miles an hour in the WRONG lane on the interstate, especially not in Commerce, GA, a.k.a., Small Town, USA, a.k.a. Speed Trap, Hicksville, Rural, GA who will write you a ticket for wiping your ass funny!

Rudolph the Christian Reindeer

So, I can't get the embed to work, but go watch this video. Apparently, Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer is a Christian song. Who knew? At least the school overruled the one parent for the many. That hardly ever happens. Really, what are they going to think of next? Rudolph is about as secular as it gets. In case you were wondering where the word "Christmas" even appears in the song, here are the lyrics:

Rudolph, the red-nosed reindeer
had a very shiny nose.
And if you ever saw him,
you would even say it glows.
All of the other reindeer
used to laugh and call him names.
They never let poor Rudolph
join in any reindeer games.
Then one foggy Christmas Eve
Santa came to say:
"Rudolph with your nose so bright,
won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"
Then all the reindeer loved him
as they shouted out with glee,
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer,
you'll go down in history!

Can't Handle the Stick

From AOL News:

"According to police, a would-be Kansas City car thief was left flummoxed earlier this week when faced with the manual transmission in the vehicle he was attempting to steal. Unable to figure out the complexities of a clutch, the alleged grand theft auto-er fled the scene. On foot."

Now, that's funny right there. I don't care who you are. Absolutely priceless. Oh, my sides are hurting! Needless to say, they caught the idiot. Oh. :::wipes tears::: Whoo. That's my gust busting laugh for the day.

As Seen on TV: CSI

From MSNBC Weird News:

"Initially, authorities ruled the March shooting death of Texas restaurant executive Thomas Hickman, 55, a kidnap-murder, since he had been shot in the back of the head and the body dumped in the New Mexico desert. Later, however, investigators found the murder weapon nearby, attached to balloons that had snagged on cactus, and in July concluded that Hickman had killed himself but rigged helium-filled balloons to carry the gun away as he lay dying (a plan that resembled a 2003 episode of 'CSI: Crime Scene Investigation'). [Dallas Morning News, 7-16-08]"

If it didn't work on CSI, why does this idiot expect it will work for him? I mean, they always catch the guy in CSI.

"But, it looked so easy on TV!"