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Showing posts with label stuff I think. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stuff I think. Show all posts

Hiatus Much?

I apologize for the mild inconvenience of not getting to read my mindless rantings everyday. It's been a long year and a half since getting laid off, and I just haven't had it in me. Have I changed much? Probably not. I'm still super bitter and angry, but I try to keep it to minimum, which might be new... I really don't know.

If you're wondering, I still don't have a job. Yep. It's been a year and a half. Yep. There must be something wrong with me. Nope. I don't know what it is. I've looked and applied and looked and applied until I've all but given up. I don't really think I'll get a job at this point. It's been too long since I've had one. I think I might be OK with it now, though. My husband (not divorced yet! woohooo!) is set to graduate from school (finally!) in December. Bless his heart, he has worked so hard, and I am so proud of him! So, assuming nothing goes wrong (with me, YEAH RIGHT!), he will be working true full time with a salary to match that degree come the first of the year. We might actually survive!

So, if everything works out, we might start trying to have some rugrats. I know what you're thinking: my mouth and kids--bad combination. LOL I'm not that bad in real life. I think...

Anywho... I've been meaning to write something for a while, so maybe I'll actually be able to commit. I hope you will still read, even if it's been a long time. I believe I can still entertain... We shall see.

We. Shall. See.

Chivalry is Not Dead


As I stepped off the elevator this afternoon, two men were exiting the building. They were about 30 feet from me, and they stopped. And held the door. Let me repeat that. They both stopped. And they both held a door. Until I got all the way from the elevator to the door. And I take small steps.

That was the perfect ending to a long day at work. Perfect. I get so disgusted with people. On a daily basis. To have someone do something nice is so rare. I had begun to think chivalry was dead, but I guess it is just hanging on by a very thin thread. Sort of like when you were a kid and you lost your teeth and it would hang on by that one little piece of gum. Yeah. Like that.

Anywho, if you are having a bad day, or even a day that just isn't super, don't fret. There is some good left in this world.

Why the English Language is so Hard to Learn

OK, this really bugs me. Why is it that two words which are spelled the same are pronounced completely different?

For instance, the word "colonel" is just really f'ed up. "Colonel" is pronounced "kur-nl", but "colonial" is prounounced "kuh-loh-nee-uhl". Why? Where does that "r" even come from?!

But, there are tons of words like that. For instance, there and here are pronounced like we're but not like were. What. The. Hell?!

Am I the only one that is irritated by this? I mean, who came up with this stuff? I'm just saying.

Happy Spa: We Love You Long Time!

From my ex-hometown newspaper The Banks County News*:

The Banks County Board of Commissioners revoked the business license of “Best Health Spa” for 90 days in a called meeting on Dec. 10 and placed the business on probation for an additional six months.

The action comes after several alleged violations, including “a massage of areas prohibited by the county ordinance” and the employee not being property clothed. The violations were cited by an undercover investigator with the Banks County Sheriff’s Office who went into the business on Sunday, Dec. 7. He was sent into the spa after it was noted by the sheriff’s office that the open sign was in place on the business on a Sunday. The county ordinance states that health spas can not be open on Sunday.

The investigator, speaking at the BOC meeting on Dec. 10, said a female, dressed in a bikini and wearing high heels, gave him a massage. He also noted that she massaged his “buttocks.” He paid $40 for the 30-minute massage.

The “Best Health Spa” is located at 152 Dallas Drive, below MVP CafĂ©, and it opened on Dec .1. The violations include the following:

•Massage of specific anatomical areas prohibited. No owner, operator or employee shall intentionally touch or massage or offer to touch or massage specific anatomical regions.

•Proper owner, operator, employee clothing required. Each owner, operator and employee of a spa/massage and bodywork therapy business shall wear clothing of an opaque material and it shall be unlawful for such person to fail to fully conceal his or her specific anatomical regions.

•Patron coverings required. Each spa/massage and bodywork therapy business shall provide to each patrol clean, sanitary and opaque coverings capable of covering the patron’s specific anatomical regions. No massage and body work shall be administered unless the patron is covered by such covering of the specific anatomical
region.

•Hours of operation. A spa/massage and bodywork therapy business shall be closed between the hours of 10 p.m. and 6 a.m. and closed on Sunday.

•Application. The business application must be accompanied by a certificate or diploma from a recognized school as defined for each person working in the business of performing massage or reflexology.

I just think that's nothing but funny shit, right there!

*In case you are wondering why The Commerce News, The Banks County News, The Jackson Herald, The Madison County Journal, The Braselton News, and The Barrow Journal are ALL my "ex-hometown newspaper", it is because they are all owned and run by Main Street News, and many of the stories run in multiple papers. We read most of them, and they are all very closely located cities/counties.

Stuff I Think: Irritating Shit Edition

Stuff that irritates the living hell out of me (NOT PG-13):
  • When I walk out of work / my house / any place and forget something. It happens all the damn time. Why can I not clear my head enough to remember ANYTHING?! I swear I have Alzheimer's.
  • The people who take the "environmentally friendly" sticker off the toilet paper at work when the other roll is full! At work, there are two rolls of toilet paper in every stall. The cleaning lady (who is SO sweet) puts a little sticker on one roll that has a little tree on it and asks that you use the other roll before opening that one. That way, when she comes to replace the rolls, she won't have to replace two half empty rolls to make sure there is toilet paper. If you use a whole one, and then start on the second one, she can replace just the empty one and not waste a whole roll of toilet paper. BUT, there is some stupid bitch at work who uses the first stall in the bathroom on my floor and opens the other roll WHEN THE FIRST ROLL IS FULL. What a stupid cunt. Is she so f'ing stupid she can't figure out why that little sticker is on there? Or does she think she is so important she needs her own damn roll? I HATE HER, and I don't even know who it is. I swear I'm going to stake out the bathroom one day and check the rolls after every user. That was I can call her a stupid cunt to her face. And walk away.
  • When my GPS can't figure out I'm in a driveway and can turn left, and it takes me around a circle to the right. Ugh.
  • Power car seats that automatically go back to the master position when the car is turned off. When I have to drive your car, I have to fix my seat EVERY SINGLE TIME I get in it after stopping somewhere. Just get a regular one with little memory buttons.
  • Idiot drivers who slam on their brakes AFTER they see a cop. Um, stupid, if you can see the cop, his radar/laser can see your stupid ass. MOVE!
That's enough for right now. I feel a little better.

(Fe)Male

My boyfriend, and fellow engineer, sent me an article about women in male-dominated fields (like engineering). The following are points from the article:
  • Make sure women are valued (and promoted) in the company before accepting a position.
  • Identify the alpha and beta males, and speak to and interact with them accordingly.
  • Find a female mentor in the company (or a professional organization if there are none in the company).
  • Speak assertively, and keep away from any tentativeness in your vocabulary (e.g., "I think" or "I'm sorry" for things that aren't your fault).
  • Socialize with the boys because much important information is exchanged at the bar after work instead of in the breakroom.
  • Don't assume social stereotypes, like getting coffee for the meeting or cleaning up after coworkers.

I think they are good points, but, really, to be in a male-dominated field, you have to be what people consider male-ish. You have to be assertive, confident, unemotional, and driven.

Or you can, just be like me, and do every damn thing. I mean, it really hit me today. No one remembered my birthday. That's the whole reason I am taking off tomorrow. Duh. Ugh. Being the only female in an office of men is starting to get old. I'm always the one who gets the birthday card and has everyone sign it. I'm always the one that suggests lunch for someone's birthday. I'm always the one. Am I supposed to buy my own damn card? I'm just wondering.

Don't get me wrong. I don't mind being the copy repair man, the faxer, the mailer, the copier, the Microsoft Office expert, the back-up tape changer, the shipper, the IT tech for our office, the receptionist, the administrative assistant, the message taker, the make-it-pretty guru, AND the Engineer. I don't mind AT ALL. But, can I get a little recognition? A raise? A bonus? A pat on the back? Just a friggin' thank you? I like my job. I love the construction review stuff I've been doing and all the interaction with the Owner and Contractors. I just want a thank you. It is Thanksgiving after all. Now would be the perfect time, or, at least, as good a time as any.

Mommmaaaa Asks, "We are supposed to bail out VIAGRA users now?"

This article was sent to me by Mommmaaaa (it is from Consumer Affairs from 2006 but still very pertinent):

"Lifestyle drugs -- chiefly Viagra -- are costing General Motors $17 million dollars a year and the cost is passed along to car, truck and SUV consumers. The blue pill is covered under GM's labor agreement with United Auto Workers, as well as benefit plans for salaried employees.

"GM executives estimate health care adds $1,500 to the price of each vehicle but they do not break out how much of the premium is caused by erectile dysfunction expenses. GM provides health care for 1.1 million employees, retirees and dependents and is the world's largest private purchaser of Viagra.

"GM recently raised the co-pay for erectile dysfunction drugs to $18 under a new agreement with the UAW and the company has also pared benefits for salaried workers.

"The automaker spends almost $5.6 billion each year on health care. While lifestyle drugs are a small fraction of the total medical bill, every health care expense is added into the price of every new vehicle and is a drag on the struggling goliath's earnings.

"Given the large number of aging autoworkers in the U.S., the industry's Viagra tab and bill for other erectile dysfunction drugs is certain to continue rising.

"Neither Ford nor Chrysler will disclose the amount spent on erectile dysfunction drugs.

"While many government and company health plans have eliminated impotence drugs from coverage plans, GM has more than two retirees for every active worker on its rolls and must negotiate eliminating the drugs from the union health plan with the UAW."

Mommmaaaa's husband Todd writes (in a text message, nonetheless)
"Now the government wants to bail out the auto industry. It costs about 75 bucks per hour to build a GM car. A Toyota car built in America costs about 35 bucks per hour to build. Almost 2000 dollars of the cost of every new GM car goes to pay insurance benefits of the auto workers union. GM spent over 16 million dollars last year on Viagra for its union members benefits. No wonder they're almost bankrupt. I say void union contracts and start over. Are they bailing out the companies or the
unions?"
That's a good point. That's definitely something to think about.

Don't Bank on the Bank

From MSNBC Comics: Close to Home by John McPherson:

It totally wouldn't surprise me if this really happened. I think I'll stay away from banks for a while.

The Porno that Wasn't


I'm sure most of you have heard all the pissing and moaning about the movie "Zack and Miri Make a Porno". They got it reduced to R from an initial NC-17 rating. All because of the name. They don't actually do much in the way of pornography. There is some foul language, brief nudity, and some love scenes--that I've read are really more comedic than pornographic.

I started seeing some commercials for the movie recently. Some of them are about a movie called "Zack and Miri Make a Porno", but some of them are about a movie called "Zack and Miri". The movies seem an awful lot a like according to their commercials. Because they are the same movie. Some stations are not allowing the full title to be used! Ridiculous!

Furthermore, entire theatre companies are banning the movie--because of the title. If it were truly content, they would ban movies like "Saw V", which has some extremely disturbing scenes from what I can tell.

My verdict: I'm going to see this movie JUST because it has porno in the title. Indeed.

Proof that Women are Evil


For those non-math people, here's the explanation.

Women take time and money.
And, time is money.
So, if you substitute money for time, women are money times money, or money squared.

Money is the root of all evil.
So, if you substitute the square root of evil for money, women are the square root of evil squared.

The square root of anything squared is that anything. (Trust me on this. It's true.)
Thus, WOMEN ARE EVIL! There it is in undeniable, mathematical proof.

Stuff I Think


I think:
  • People get married without knowing each other long enough.
  • Grapefruit is evil. Why must it skeet skeet all in my eye? Why? And, why is it that one of the best and most healthy things you can eat for breakfast is so damn hard to eat? See, God wants us to be fat.
  • The stuff that's easiest and quickest to eat makes us the fattest. See, God wants us to be fat.
  • If it tastes good, it's bad for you. If it tastes bad, it's good for you.
  • Time actually moves slower when you're bored and faster when you're having a good time.
  • Summer in Georgia is entirely too humid.
  • C's get degrees. And, sometimes, D's do, too.
  • Coffee is a terrible drink to talk over. Why can't social drinks be tastier?
  • Gas is way to high.
  • The tax man and the devil share the same address.
  • If something is worth doing, it is worth doing right.
  • You should keep your mouth shut and carry a big stick.
  • Dogs are better than cats.
  • It's funny when people race past me and are sitting at the red light when I get there.
  • Pretty much everyone I know suffers from psychological projection.
  • Absence really does make the heart grow fonder. Ask anyone who has moved away from family they love.
  • People need to lighten up a little.
  • I would have liked to see Hillary Clinton in office. Again. Our economy was much better when she was running the show.
  • The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
  • Bugs, spiders, and other creepy-crawlies better not come in my house. Or they will die.
  • There are too many excuses and not enough apologies.
  • Everyone is better than someone at something.
  • People who have too many kids to fit the family in a normal vehicle (i.e., 7 total--2 adults, 5 children) are greatly contributing to the demise of the planet. This does not include foster or adoptive parents.
  • There is no substitute for a good education, but a good education doesn't always come from a traditional school.
  • People should have more respect for our military men and women.
  • George W. Bush is a certifiable retard.
  • Money only matters when you don't have enough of it.

Now, my head hurts. That's what I get for thinking.

Mud Butt


I really like to say "Mud butt"! It has to be my most favorite thing to say ever. Now, mud butt is gross, don't get me wrong. But it is just so fun to say! Mud butt. Muuuuud Buuuutttttt. Mud Butt!!!! Yeah...

Straight Haired Girls, They all want Curls


This is a very lovely country song by Sara Evans called "I Keep Looking":

Back when I was young,
Couldn't wait to grow up,
Get away and get out on my own,
And looking back now
Ain't it funny how
I've been trying to get back home. (yeah)

When my low self esteem
Needs a man loving me,
And I find me the perfect catch.
Then I see my friends
Having wild weekends,
And I don't wanna be quite so attached

Just as soon as I get what I want I get unsatisfied.
Good is good but could be better.
I keep looking, I keep looking for,
I keep looking for something more.
I always wonder what's on the other side
Of the number two door.
I keep looking, looking for something more.

Well the straight haired girls,
They all want curls,
And the brunettes wanna be blonde.
It's your typical thing,
You got yin, you want yang.
It just goes on and on.

They say Hey! it's only human to never be satisfied.
Well, I guess that I'm as human as the next one.
Ohh, I keep looking, I keep looking for,
I keep looking for something more.
I always wonder what's on the other side
Of the number two door.
I keep looking, looking for something more. (yeah)

Just as soon as I get what I want I get unsatisfied.
Hey, good is good but could be better.
I keep looking, I keep looking for,
I keep looking for something more.
I always wonder what's on the other side
Of the number two door.
I keep looking, looking for something more.

And I just really think it sums up pretty much everything about life. There is always going to be that question in your mind, you know the one: "Is that grass greener over there?" The answer is probably not. It's just an optical illusion. Now, I'm as guilty as the next person, say, um, you, but I think it's high time we start appreciating what we do have. So what if your car is two years old, or ten years old for that matter? If it works and it's safe, do you really think it's worth it to pay $650/month for a new one? And so what if your hair is short? Is it really worth the extra work and the insulation all that hair will bring you this summer? And so what if your best friend and every single person you ever freakin' knew is getting married and having kids and you're not? At least you don't have to feed those little fuckers! I say all this to say, appreciate what you have because someone is always less fortunate than you, and if you just take the time to realize it, you really have a lot of good in your life to be thankful for. Even if there is a whole lot of bullshit. And I mean a whooooole lot.

The Devil Went Down to Georgia


When I walked out of my office building this afternoon I slammed into a brick wall--a brick wall of humidity. See, in Georgia (and other parts of the lovely southeast), we have this anomaly called 200% humidity. The weirdest part about this anomaly is that even with the impossibly insanely high humidity, we still get very little rain, and we are in a "severe" drought. Now, that's just what the weatherman says. I don't know how much of it I believe. But The Stook at UGA, who is the State Climatologist, says we are, and I like ol' Stooksbury, so I try to believe him. I find this excerpt from the FAQs very insightful:


7. How can we be in a drought if it's raining out, or even flooding?

A drought is a shortage in the amount of precipitation that falls in a particular place. There are two types of drought: short-term, or agricultural drought, and long-term, or hydrologic drought. Short-term droughts are usually periods of little to no rain over several weeks, and most often occur in the summer when temperatures and evaporation from ground and plants is high. They are called agricultural drought because they are especially hard on plants and farmers, and usually occur during the growing season. They can disappear relatively quickly once a rainy spell occurs. By contrast, long-term droughts occur over long periods with lower than normal rainfall, even though there may be enough rainfall to keep plants reasonably healthy. The consequences of the extended drying are reduced ground water levels and lower base flows in streams.

This can cause problems both for users who draw water from the ground and for people and ecosystems who depend on reliable water flow in the streams. Hydrologic droughts take a long time to go away because it takes months of above normal precipitation to make up the long-term deficits. However, many people may not even notice them until water supplies are restricted because of the shortages.

It takes a long time for water to trickle down from the surface into the groundwater. Because of that, it is quite possible to have flooding at the surface and still have a hydrologic drought. In thunderstorms, particularly, the rain fall so fast that most of it runs off into the streams before it can affect the groundwater, and can cause local flash flooding even while the long-term drought continues.


But, I digress. I say all this to say that I now know why "the devil went down to Georgia". It was because it felt a lot like home. That, and the fact that I'm sure there are plenty of souls ripe for the picking. And I now know why he was "in a bind cause he was way behind" (this is a very cute video with the actual song playing, but you'll have to watch it after work...sorry). It was because he was sitting in that God forsaken Atlanta traffic. I also know how Johnny beat him. It is because the devil sucks, and Johnny is a good ol' country boy. There ain't nothin' better.


What's so Great about Motorcycles, Anyway?


I get that question a lot from people who will just never understand. Until you put your fanny in the cupping hands of a motorcycle seat and ride off into the sunset, you just can't fathom what it's like. It's a completely different feeling than riding in a car, even with all the windows down, the sunroof open, or the convertible top down.
You can smell everything. Everything. Yes, I could do without the smell of manure on a country pasture or the decaying deer guts on the side of the road or the choaking exhaust of a diesel pick-up, but, in all honesty, I would rather have all those smells than not. And let me not fail to mention the good smells. You have never smelled honey-suckle like the honey-suckle you smell on a motorcycle. I can assure you of that.
It's an incredible feeling of pride when a fellow biker sticks out his hand to you. It literally renews my joy for life. Yes, for all you cagers, when two passing motorcyclists stick out their left arm at each other, we are actually waving, not making some explicit gesture.
I've been missing my bike in the worst way lately, and I absolutely can't afford to buy another one right now. I know it was the right thing to do to sell it when I moved, but I almost wished I hadn't. In fact, I totally wish I hadn't. I need the bugs in my teeth (eyes, nose, bra, etc)--which you definitely get when you're smiling the entire time you're on your bike. I need the wind in my hair, the sun on my skin, the heat of the bike, the road, the sun, the cages aroung me. I begged my dad to buy me a bike, but he doesn't really have the money either. I just miss it so much.
I came across this article someone else had written, but it pretty much took the words right out of my mouth. It attempts to explain to people who don't ride what it is to ride. I feel like he did a decent job, but, then again, I ride, so I already get it. But he does explain it just the way I would except that to me, it's like flying without the wings. That's the best description I've ever come up with. You can see the entire article in its original form here, but I've put it below because I really want you to read it. I want you to understand why I'm depressed because I can't get rid of two of the wheels on my SUV.


Why We Ride: The Joy of Motorcycling by Stephen M. John

What attracts people to motorcycling? When faced with the numerous personalities of both riders and motorcycles, there may not be a single answer. Despite the differences between touring rider and hill climber, chrome-encrusted cruiser and nimble Grand Prix race bike, there are some universal attributes that get under the skin of the motorcyclist and feed the desire to ride.
Freedom is often cited as an attraction, but what does that mean? Compared to driving a car, riding a motorcycle offers freedom from the constraints of four-wheeled physics. When a car negotiates a turn, it leans to the outside of a corner, struggling to maintain its former direction of travel. A motorcycle leans into a corner.
This may not sound like much, but until you've experienced both you can't understand the superior grace and simplicity of this mode of travel. Cornering becomes a symphony of precise movements instead of an awkward wallow, working in harmony with the road instead of fighting it tooth and nail.

The Sense(s) of Freedom
Once freed of your steel cage you are thrust into the world to experience a broader existence unfettered by HEPA filters and climate control. Your nose will get a vivid introduction to skunk roadkill and diesel exhaust, but will also revel in bread baking and plants blooming. Your body will feel the thousand tiny impacts of raindrops and absorb the buffeting of the wind. Your skin will feel the gently warming temperature as you crest a hill and drop to the valley floor below. You are no longer huddled behind a wheel disconnected from nature. It's Lawrence of Arabia in Cinerama versus a daguerreotype of a camel.
Wrap all this freedom in a lovely ribbon of performance, and you get what experts call fun. Not the fake hood scoop, chrome wheels and racing stripe school of performance. Picture instead a carrier launch and you'll be in the right neighborhood, and you don't even have to pledge seven years of service. Best of all, this astounding performance is dirt cheap. For less than half the cost of most commuter pods you can buy a stock motorcycle capable of 9-second quarter miles.
Don't bother figuring the cost for a production car with matching performance, because you won't find one. AMG teamed with Mercedes to make the CLK-GTR capable of a 9.4 second quarter mile, and it's a steal at a measly $1,000,000. Performance cars do have the edge in aerodynamics and top speed, but to use them you'll need lottery winnings and the Autobahn.
All of this freedom and fun doesn't come without a price. First of all, you have to learn how to ride. Given the right training and the right attitude, the skills can be acquired by just about anyone. Want proof? One of my first forays was on my dad's 1975 Honda CB125S, a ride so mild it's hard to believe it could burn gasoline. I was so overwhelmed I couldn't remember how to stop, and ended up using a conveniently located pickup to do the job. Fortunately the Motorcycle Safety Foundation (MSF) runs well-organized classes where you can safely learn motorcycling in a pickup-free environment.

Motorcycles? Practical?
What about practicality? Over the years I've carried a turkey, two-by-fours, a dozen roses, crutches and a bookcase on a motorcycle, but even I haven't tried transporting an infant or a major appliance. But how often do you really use the cargo capacity of a four-wheeler? Not often, judging by the throngs of single-occupant vehicles choking the roadway, wasting gas and time hauling around a sluggish, three-quarter-empty steel box.
Finally, there's the favorite of mothers and fathers everywhere: danger. On a motorcycle you are more vulnerable and you'd better accept that fact and ride accordingly. I always ride as if I am invisible to the sea of cars around me, because all too often it's true. I wear a helmet, jacket, boots and gloves regardless of the temperature or length of the ride. You might think it's a hassle just to reach the corner store, and it does take more time than slipping on a seat belt. For me it is an important ritual, a reminder I am about to engage in an activity with a fair amount of personal risk. Donning my helmet triggers a pre-recorded message telling me I’d better be alert if I don't want to end up as a hood ornament.
Risk is inherent in motorcycling, but it can be managed and turned into an advantage, one that I think is the real long-term attraction of riding. A new rider must gain experience, since at first everything you have is spent just keeping upright. Gradually, shifting gears and scanning for Dozy Joe Auto blowing through a stop sign takes less effort as your brain adjusts to a new sensory plateau.

Engaging the World Around You
While motorcycling you are still fully engaged with the outside world, but the rest of your brain is free to explore paths otherwise unavailable. With your mind free of rigid supervision and self-awareness, all sorts of problems get solved in the background and tension evaporates. Exactly the opposite happens in an automobile. Driving makes so few demands on our minds and bodies we go on autopilot. How many times have you driven to a familiar location, and arrived only to realize you don't remember large parts of the journey?
Need another rationalization regarding the two-wheeled wonder? Motorcycling is a resounding social plus: reduced traffic and parking congestion, better fuel economy and fewer noxious emissions. Motorcycle ownership should be a Green party litmus test. Sadly, these benefits are lost on the majority of Americans, whose opinion of motorcycles seems to be forged solely by watching Marlon Brando tear up a small town in The Wild One. This shared sense of being outcast and knowledge of how much fun we're having leads to a sense of community among riders. Have you ever seen two automobile drivers wave to each other because they were driving? For me, waving to a fellow rider is nearly a daily occurrence. The horror, the horror...
Freedom. Fun. A clear mind and a clear conscience. These are all powerful reasons for staying in the saddle. But an even simpler truth about motorcycling keeps me coming back for more: I always feel better after a ride than I did before.

Two Tears in a Bucket



In light of my recent bad days, I would like to quote The Lady Chablis from Midnight in the Garden of Good and Evil:
"Two tears in a bucket, Motha fuck it."

The Day I Forgot to Wear Mascara


Today, I forgot to wear mascara. I just slap forgot to put it on. How I do things like this is beyond me. I have put mascara on every single day of my life since I was like 14. But, somehow, today I did not put any on. I didn't realize this until I was already at work. I have a tube in my handbag, but it was about as dry as the Sahara, so I was forced to go through my day with no mascara, at all. And then something strange happened. A guy checked me out. You're probably thinking that's not so strange, but I'm no Angelina Jolie, and the occasional look is, well, pretty much nonexistent at this point. But it gets worse. Another guy smiled at me. Oh, no big deal, it's a smile, you say? Well, as he walked past me, I looked back, and he was looking back at me. Yeah. But, wait, if you call now, we'll double your order... For only $19.95, another guy started chatting me up in the elevator. He was all, like, smile this and chuckle that. Bastard. You see, the catch to all this is that I haven't had this kind of action in the past six months. I haven't had three guys check me out in six months much less three different guys in one day! Have I lost weight? No. Did I cut my hair? No. I forgot to wear mascara. You see, the moral of this story is this: it is when you stop worrying about what you look like that you look your best. You are beautiful every day, mascara or not, no matter what. Never let yourself forget that. Call now! Supplies are limited!