I'm tired of being tired. I'm tired of being tired and stressed. I'm tired of being tired and stressed and broke. I'm tired of being tired and stressed and broke and unfulfilled. I'm tired of being tired of these things. Every time I take one step forward, I take a half dozen back. It's work, it's family, it's friends, it's finances, it's my health, it's traveling (not for pleasure), it's just everything. It's just one thing after another after another. I honestly don't believe I am depressed. I do believe I am anxious. I could use some drugs. The legal kind.
I just feel like I have so little to show for all this anxiety. I don't have a house, I still rent. I'm not married, I'm still "dating". I don't get to see my family very often, gas costs too much. Which brings me to: I don't have enough money for everything, I spend it all on food and gas. I don't have enough energy and my back hurts all the time, so I still haven't been able to workout like I want, so I still haven't lost any weight (probably still gaining).
It's not that I'm lazy or wasteful or just plain stupid. Really, I'm not.
In terms of the money, it's just flat out not making enough. I don't even have a phone or cable at my house. I don't have any extraneous expenses. I pay my rent, my car payment, my insurance, my utilities, my debts. I'm not paying to go out to dinner every meal. I'm not paying for a Louis Vuitton bag. I'm not paying for a Volvo. I'm not paying for a wedding. I just don't make enough to live in metro-Atlanta. In case no one told you, it's expensive as shit. I have no savings left. I am not contributing to my 401k, even though my company will match it now. I just don't have it to spare. I honestly don't. I keep track of where all my money goes every single month--every single item. I honestly do. And I can see where it is going. It is going to legitimate necessity bills.
In terms of the other stuff, well, I'm not really in a position to discuss some things, and I'll just leave the rest of it at that.
I guess this is just me getting some things off my chest. I know you don't really care. I don't guess I would either if it weren't me. But it is me. And I do care. I'm tired of it. I'm ready for a break. I need a break from life and reality. Anybody know where I can get some LSD?*
*That is so a joke...don't report me to the authorities. I've got enough of that shit to worry about.
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You don't want LSD.
ReplyDeleteYou are WAY TOO HARD on yourself. At least you have a boyfriend that loves you.... the house and wedding is coming. Focus on the things you do have, NOT the ones you don't have right now. You are awesome, stop being negative and hard on yourself.
I know what you are dealing with and it would bring anyone down. Like a shot through the heart...(know I am singing that song in my head) Why is it sometimes the harder we try at something the harder it gets or bites you in the "anatomy?"
Bible Study last night was talking about worry and anxiety being "el diablo" and that you should give it all to God and not worry. Mary (75-80? yr-old) was talking about how hard that was but you keep trying and when you are able to give it all to him (in prayer) it is such a relief. I know that you aren't confident doing this, and I would say most of us are just babies when it comes to our religious beliefs and being knowledgeable but just take things one step at a time... Ask him specifically for the things you need... and give it ALL to him. He will take care of you... and I am always here too.
Hope it helps.