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The "Phantom Slamming on of the Brakes"

And Other Driving Horrors You should Avoid, Asshole!

Everyone hates traffic and bad drivers, and there is no shortage of either here in the lovely city of Atlanta. Being from the country, the most heinous driving crime I'm used to is Mr. Farmer driving his tractor down the road at 20 miles an hour. Granted, that's no fun on a tiny road where you can't pass, but this just doesn't compare to city driving. There are some obnoxiously frequent occurrences on our city streets and interstates around metro-Atlanta. I have decided to outline them for you in the hope that maybe, just maybe, those of you who drive like complete morons will get the hint and either wise up or just move the hell out of Georgia. If there are any I leave off, please let me know. It is of the utmost importance that this list be full and complete, so as to insure optimized traffic flow in this overly crowded and transportation-challenged area.

  1. The "Phantom Slamming on of the Brakes"--it is absolutely absurd to slam on your brakes in the middle of smoothly flowing traffic when there are no signs of reason. This creates a catastrophic jam for miles on a crowded rush hour interstate, something like a Butterfly Effect. And just so you know, seeing a cop on the road or the side of the road is no reason to slow down and certainly not reason enough to slam on your brakes. News Flash 'tard: By the time you see the cop, his radar has definitely seen your speeding ass.
  2. Rubbernecking--which goes nicely with number 1. Do not slow down to look at that gruesome wreck on the other side of the interstate. Move your ass! You are going to cause a wreck because you are ogling at the one over there. Read about it in the morning paper, and save me the wear on my brakes, k? Thanks.
  3. Left Lane Riding--the left lane is for passing, not driving 50 miles an hour in a 70 miles an hour zone. "Keep Right Except to Pass." Sound familiar? It should. Because it is plastered all over the interstate. So, do it! And don't get in the HOV lane if you are going to go 50 miles an hour. That lane is there for a reason, and that reason is to allow conscientious drivers who carpool or ride motorcycles to move through the slower moving traffic. If you are going as slow as (or slower than) the other traffic, you are defeating the purpose. Move your ass!
  4. Turning without Signaling--you have little blinky lights on your car. Do you know what they are for? Apparently not. Because no one uses the damn things. They are for signaling for a turn or lane change. Yes, such a miracle invention exists! So, would you kindly use them before turning. And, no, it does not count if you slam on your brakes and start to turn BEFORE you turn on your signal. No, that just won't fly.
  5. Turn Lane Signaling--a less than horrible offense, but it can be made more horrible, much more horrible. Once you are in the turn lane, it is safe to turn off your signal. Really, it is. Just reach over and click it off. Now, doesn't that feel good? When you are in the turning lane, it is pretty safe to say you are turning, and people probably know that. However, it is not not not acceptable to get in the turn lane without using your signal, and then turn on your signal once in the turn lane. No! We already know you're turning, idiot. We figured that out when you nearly clipped our bumper getting into the turn lane because you didn't use your signal and tried to killed us! See number 4. And do it.
  6. Doing Your Makeup--get up 15 minutes earlier and save me the stress of having to drive on the road with your swerving and slamming on the brakes. End of story.
  7. Talking on Your Cell Phone--I understand talking on the phone because you are a busy, important somebody. But shut up. If you can't walk and chew gum at the same time, you have no business driving while talking on the phone. This applies to head sets, too. I don't care if you use your hands or not. I care about whether you are using your brain. Because you aren't. At all. Shut up and drive. And you better as hell not be texting while you're driving. Or I'll kick your ass.
  8. Driving without Headlights in Rain/at Dusk--I don't know how they do it up there in Yankeeville, but down here, we have laws. And those laws say to drive with your headlights on for one hour before sunset and one hour after sunrise. There is also one that says to drive with your lights on when it is raining. Because if you hit me because I can't see your black car driving in the dark rain, it's your ass.
  9. Driving 15 Miles an Hour in Rain--yes, you should use more caution in inclement weather, but let's be realistic. Your car has tires on it, right? Let's look at those tires. Do you see those little grooves in there? That's for traction. Do you know what traction is? If not, you can learn about it here. Now, those little grooves in there allow the rain water to go through so your car can still touch the road. Isn't that amazing?! So, stop driving 15 miles an hour because you're reading this while driving, and get your ass out of the way.

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