FYI: Dear Penis

Since Clay accused me of violating the Fairness Doctrine (see comments), I've been looking for a topic to post that was specifically for the boys. (Girls, please don't read if you are not interested in the male genitalia or are easily grossed out or think that private parts are private or other any such thing. I guess that goes for the boys, too.)

I was searching WebMD for articles about Sunday Night Syndrome (high levels of anxiety on Sunday nights due to worrying about going back to work) and anxiety, and I was getting disappointed. SNS is not actually a real medical term, apparently. I am experiencing some high levels of anxiety lately--maybe due to, oh, I don't know, the economy, dad being in the hospital, taxes, and Obama--especially on Sundays. I always have trouble sleeping, but Sunday's are impossible. I can't get to sleep and can't stay asleep if I ever get there.

No, I don't hate my job, and, most days, it isn't even particularly stressful. I'm not sure why I've been feeling this way lately. And, no, for the 10,437 time, I am NOT depressed. I guess it just has to do with so many people getting laid off and the state of my office since all of our work is now coming from the corporate office since the guy who sold his business to our business quit and reopened his business--taking all of our clients. But, we've been doing this for a year now, and it's just recently that I've been an anxious wreck.

Anywho, I was getting pretty irritated at the lack of valuable information, and I stumbled upon this little gem: 5 Things You Didn't Know About Your Penis. Being that I had a penis in a former life*, I had to read this article. It went a little something like this:

"No. 1: Your Penis Does Have a Mind of Its Own" - Your penis answers to the autonomic nervous system (the part that isn't under your conscious control), which can mean you get an erection when you really don't mean or want to. Also, impulses during REM sleep can cause erections--whether or not you are dreaming about Eva Longoria. Even heavy lifting or straining to take a dump can make you erect. Things that can make your penis shrink in it's flaccid ("soft") state include exposure to cold water or air and stress. So, try to relax.

"No. 2: Your Penis May Be a 'Grower' or a 'Show-er'" - Increases from the flaccid to erect state can vary greatly. If your penis is much smaller when flaccid, it is said to be a "grower", and, if it is about the same flaccid and erect, it is deemed a "show-er". Thus, the man in the locker room with the donkey dick may not really be that much bigger when hard, so don't be too ashamed. Of course, he may be a grower, too, so, hell, I don't know what you do. Why are you looking at another man's penis, anyway?

"No. 3: Your Penis Is Shaped Like a Boomerang" - That's right, you throw it and it always come back to you. So, sling the cock freely. Er, I mean, actually, the penis goes into the body and connects to the pubic bone. In the procedure to enlarge the penis, the ligament holding the root of the pelvis is cut, allowing it to protrude out of the body farther. Unfortunately, this weakens the base of the penis. See No. 4.

"No. 4: You Can Break Your Penis" - Even though there is no bone in the penis (which makes the term "boner" strange...), you can hurt it. So, the next time you're beating your dick like it owes you money, chill out a little. (Also, don't let your girl get too carried away.) It happens very rarely, but, most often, it happens to younger men whose erections are very rigid.

"No. 5: Most Penises in the World Are Uncut" - Jewish and Muslim men make up 70% of circumcised penises worldwide, but only about 30% of the world's 15 and older male population is cut. Approximately 65% of newborn Americans get circumcised, and the WHO recommends it for adult men due to a decreased risk of getting AIDS--even though there has been much controversy about the health benefits of circumcision lately.

So, there you have it. A man's post by a man's man woman.

*Or so I've been told. The conversation went sort of like this:

Guy: "Girls don't like football, guns, and motorcycles."

Me: "I do."

Guy: "Yeah, but you had a penis in a former life, so you don't count."