Pizza Hut

Last night, I placed an order for Pizza Hut pizza online at 3:13PM to be picked up at 6:30PM. At 6:35PM, I arrived at the store, and they told me it would be a few more minutes.

Heh. OK.

At 7:00PM, my pizza was not ready. It was 35 minutes late. And they had the order over 3 hours ahead of its due time.

When I asked what the problem was, no one could answer me. I saw dozens of people come and go with delivery orders and other pick up orders. Mine sat unfinished.

It does not take 35 minutes to cook a pizza. I have called in orders that were ready in 15 minutes. Now, if that pizza had been put on when I got there--even if they had somehow missed it--it would have been ready about 6:50. It was not. That is about the worst customer service I have ever encountered.

Pizza Hut has lost my business. Stuffed crust or not, I will never go back. I do not take this sort of thing lightly. I wasn't even offered a refund. I was told a $15 credit would go on my account (I doubt it will). Great. That is so helpful since I'm NEVER COMING BACK.

Thanks, Pizza Hut, for giving me a blog post. And, absolutely nothing else.

Sig Sauer Fu Academy

My, GAWD, I want to go here. I get a tingley feeling in my pants just thinking about it.

Join the Snuggie Cult

You've seen them. They haunt your TV after midnight. And, now, they're beginning to lurk in your primetime commercials. They're Snuggies. "The blanket with sleeves." The horror.

I was a little irritated at this article from USA Today. I mean, why are you fanning the flames of this stupidity? USA Today? Get real. Post some news.

These things have developed a cult-like following, which is fitting considering you look like a cult member wearing one. Or at least a monk. Especially in the burgundy. Creepy.

I've been saying it since day one, why don't you just wear your robe backwards? Jay Leno apparently said that on his show (see above link), but I said that shit months ago. He stole that from me. The bastard.

Anyway, go ahead and rush right out and buy one. And, get your free book light. But don't expect it any time soon. Dissatisfied customers say they don't come in the four to six weeks promised in those infomercials. Sorry, kids.

You've Got to be Kidding: Dog Toy Foot

So, here I am at Petsmart looking for Essie a dog bed, some toys, and pet stain remover (puppies are going to have accidents, it is just a fact of life), and I come across this. A fucking foot. What the hell? I mean, what sick bastard thinks it is funny for dogs to run around chewing on human feet? That's just plain creepy. It isn't even Halloween! And, the toes are painted, so it's a woman's foot. And, not a very pretty woman's foot, at that. I file this under weird-shit-o-meter off the scale.

PS Please forgive me for not being the ranting, raving lunatic I usually am. I just don't have it in me yet. I'll get the fight back in me. I promise. Please just bear with me, and give me a little time. Thanks.

Meet Miss Esperanza Patron

I would like to introduce you to Miss Esperanza Patron. Esperanza is the Spanish word for "Hope". I hope she can provide us with some hope. She is the half sister to the late Pepe Patron. She is similar in color to Mr. Pepe, but she is what they call "blue" instead of black like he was. Blue is sort of a gray color. She is a very pretty little girl. She is about to turn 12 weeks old (Saturday). She currently weighs 1 lb 10 & 3/4 oz, and she should be in the mid to upper 4 lb range at full adulthood.

We are going to pick her up this Sunday from the lady who gave me my Pepe, Judy. She is a wonderful, caring breeder. I emailed her last night, and she called me within the hour to check on me and help me find a new baby. She is not a typical puppy mill breeder, and she is very good. You can find her at chihuahuamagic.com.

Please go see her if you ever want a darling, sweet, little chihuahua baby. I can assure you her babies will make believers out of you. Pepe was no "typical" chihuahua. He was sweet, playful, protective, and smart. He wasn't a yapper, and he wasn't a shaker. He loved curling up with you under the covers, and he loved to run around the house playing chase with you and his toys. And, he always won. Pepe won more than chases. He won over the hearts of so many people who thought small dogs were little assholes. I don't know of many eyes that were dry when they heard the news.

Anyway, Judy said that Esperanza is a little shy, but she loves to be held and picked up. I can't wait to meet her. I hope that she can make us feel better. She can never replace Pepe, but she can lick me and make me feel better. I need something to come home to everyday that will make me feel important and loved--no matter what. A human just can't provide truly 100% unconditional love like a puppy. I look so forward to the joy she will bring us in this stressful time. I know it is stupid to buy another dog right now, but we are all down enough without this. If you don't love your babies like your children, you can't understand.

I hope I'll be feeling more like writing now. All this hope is a lot of pressure on such a little bitty girl. She has some big shoes to fill.

Rest in Peace my Dear Pepe Patron

Not two hours ago, I posted this adorable picture of my baby. It is with a heavy heart that I now bid him farewell. I let him get run over by a car. I'm an idiot. I didn't have him on a leash. He never ran to the road. We were getting in the car, and I looked up and he was gone.

I feel like a complete moron. And an asshole. This sweet, tiny, boy depended on me for food, water, shelter, warmth, and love. And, I let him down. I let him perish in the most tragic and terrible way. I want to remember him like this, this, and this because that is Mr. Patron. That is the good boy he was. But it will be hard to close my eyes for a while. Because all I see is him lying there twitching, his little eye popped out. I know it sounds disgusting, but I have to get this out. It is my fault the precious doggie is gone. I can only find comfort in that I can't hurt him anymore.

Yes, I realize I am a God damned country song. And, I'm sorry. I can assure you I wish something would go right. I was all set to come back to blogging tonight. I don't think I am anymore. Thank you to everyone who has wished me well. I hope to see you all again soon.

I Wike To Wet My Tongue Hang Out

FYI: I May Not Be Around Much

Brothers and sisters, I have some bad new. I'm upset, I'm angry, and I'm worried. And, I probably won't be around a whole lot for the next little while. I've got to figure things out and get my priorities straight. Blogging is going to be low on that list. I hope. Anyway, kids, I got fired today. In fact, they closed my office completely--so we all got the boot. If you know of anyone that needs a civil engineer--or a fucking janitor for all I care, I need a job--let me know. I have a BS in Biological Engineering and just shy of 2 years experience in civil engineering (water/wastewater). Keep your eyes open for me, I guess. Thanks. It's been real. It's been fun. But, it ain't been real fun. I'll see you guys later.

The Lowest Common Denominator? Idiot

From MSNBC Weird News:

"As the British government was poised in November to re-classify lap-dancing clubs from 'entertainment' to 'sexual encounter establishments' (thus imposing tougher licensing standards), the industry's trade association insisted to a Parliamentary committee that the clubs are not sexual. '(T)he entertainment may be in the form of nude ... performers, but it's not sexually stimulating,' said the chairman of the Lap Dancing Association. That would be 'contrary to our business plan.' [The Guardian, 11-26-08]"

Um, I think you may be doing it wrong.

"Drunk-Driving News: Kathleen Cherry, 53, was arrested for DUI in Carson City, Nev., in December. She is a phlebotomist working on contract with the sheriff's office and was driving to the jailhouse to administer a blood test to a DUI suspect. [KUSA-TV-AP (Denver), 12-7-08]"

Um, at least you have good job security.

"Elizabeth Shelton, 21, filed a lawsuit in Houston in December against the truck driver that she accidentally rear-ended in a 2007 crash, while she was intoxicated, and in which her boyfriend was killed. Though she was convicted of manslaughter, she is now suing for $20,000 damage to her Lexus SUV and for 'pain and suffering,' basing her claim on the fact that the blameless driver she hit was uninsured. In all, her lawsuit names 16 defendants, including insurance companies and banks. Shelton is the daughter of a state court judge. [Houston Chronicle, 12-18-08]"

Um, Daddy couldn't get you off the first time, do you think he will now? Really? No.

Georgia's Pathetic Excuse for Snow

Click for larger view. Yeah, Georgia doesn't get snow. We get these gay little things called "flurries". Awesome. Anyway, I decided to join in the hysteria that comes only when there is a little bit of white dotting the sky. But, the pictures sure are pretty. Even if it will never stick to anything--and people will drive like idiots anyway.

Super Simple Scrumptious (S)Chili

Ingredients:

1 pound ground beef

1 large can (27 oz) Busch's Chili Beans, Mild

1 small can (16 oz) Busch's Chili Beans, Mild

1/4 cup water

Directions:

Brown beef, and drain. Mix cooked beef, both cans of beans, and water in medium sauce pan. Heat to near boil and warm for about 10 minutes. Add onions and/or cheese to taste. Serve with saltine crackers.

Substitutions:

• If you prefer more meat to beans, use about 1 1/2 pounds ground beef and only the large can of beans.
• If you prefer spicier foods, use the other flavors of Busch's Chili Beans. (I believe they come in both Medium and Hot.)
• I do not recommend the lightly salted or unsalted crackers. The salted is really best.

This is much easier than making chili "from scratch", and it tastes great. It is much better than the canned chili--because the meat is fresh--and it only takes a few extra minutes to cook. This is great for those cold (chilly) evenings.

Approximate Cook Time: 30 minutes, including prep.

Approximate Servings: 4

Joke: Are You Dumber Than a Pre-Schooler?

You may have seen this in an email before. If so, move along. Don't ruin it for the rest of the lumplumps. If not, please tell me if this bus (yes, that's a bus in that picture) is going to the right or left and how you know. That's right. I'm one of those mean teachers that makes you explain the answer. No guessing! AGAIN, if you KNOW the answer, do NOT post a comment. Or, I will have to kick your ass.

Supposedly, according to the email, 90% of pre-school students could answer "correctly". So as not to spoil the fun--or let you cheaters cheat, I will post the answer as a comment in a few hours.

And, So It Begins

From MSNBC News:

"Barack Obama got a global standing ovation long before he was elected president. But in a fickle and fast-moving world, the overseas reviews are already turning mixed.

"Though much of the world will party through the night Tuesday after Obama is sworn in as America's 44th president — just as it did when he was elected — there are signs the ardor is cooling as the sheer weight of his challenges sinks in.

"A deepening global recession, new hostilities in the Middle East, complications in closing the Guantanamo Bay prison, Iran, North Korea, Afghanistan — an impatient world has a stake in all of them and is asking how much change Obama can deliver.

"'Just two months ago, the future president seemed a cross between Superman and Merlin the magician," Massimo Gramellini wrote in a commentary for Italy's La Stampa newspaper. "Now he himself admits he won't be able to keep all his promises, and who knows? Maybe someone will ask for his impeachment by the end of next week.'"

And, so it begins. Not only is Obama starting to doubt himself (I know, it's unbelievable!), but the other nations of our world are beginning to doubt him:

"'The idealism has diminished,' said Samuel Solvit, who heads an Obama support network in France. 'Everyone was dreaming a little. Now people are more realistic.'"

Of course, you have your people who think we are putting too much pressure on our dear Obamassiah:

"That's the problem, said Reginald Dale, a senior fellow at the Center for Strategic and International Studies in Washington: People everywhere simply expect too much, practically ensuring Obama will disappoint."

[...]

"'I feel sorry for the poor thing,' she [Lise Lindeberg, a 72-year-old retiree in Stockholm, Sweden] said. 'People want him to be a savior — some kind of messiah. You just can't become president and change everything when there's no money.'"

I call bullshit. People do not expect too much. They expect him to do the things he said he would do. If he knew he couldn't do them, why did he say he could? Because he is a lying sack of shit. Big surprise? Not to anyone with more brain cells than pairs of shoes.

If you say you are going to do something, do it. If you can't do it, don't say you will. It's as simple as that. I'm just a little surprised it has already started--people are already beginning to realize he's going to be about as effective as a cup of jello pudding. Not his minions, mind you, but people outside the US who have an IQ above a chess game pawn piece.

I can only hope this is just the beginning of a turn around. That more and more people will see the light. I know it is wishful thinking, but maybe if more people called the spade a spade, he wouldn't be able to get away with murder for the next four years.

Abnormalities of the Male Penis 2nd Ed & Mudbutt Anonymous

The other day, I gave you some info about who had visited my site. The number of hits off the dreaded penis post was astonishing. I found it mildly hilarious that people searched for such atrocities as "abnormalities of the male penis" and "heavy lifting now testicles hurt and penis soft". OK, let's he honest, it was way more than mild hilarity. I had to pick myself up off the floor and wipe my tears.

And, yes, I am so immature and childish and whatnot that the shit is STILL funny. And, to stoke the fire, there are MORE. Yes, two new additions to our penis family are the "penile abnormalities" and "pictures of penis abnormalities". Oh, he wants to see pictures... What a freak! For proof, see below (click for larger):

But, it doesn't stop there. I was so enjoying my penis envy when I came upon this little gem (click for larger):

Yes, that says "mudbutt anonymous" What. The. Fuck?!

The Definition of "Married" is Neutered

So, I'm not the world's most girly-girl. I'm not really all that girly, actually, what with all the guns, football, motorcycles, and farting and burping. Wait, let me back up...

Whenever Travis' dad finally gets well enough to come over and eat chocolate cake and cherry cobbler with everyone (his favorites that I make--his real favorite is banana pudding, but he's super picky about that shit, so I don't even try to make it), we are going to have an engagement party and a true announcement. Everyone has been all, "When were you planning to tell us?" And, I'm all like, "Never?" We never really made a big deal out of it because his dad was in the hospital, and no one felt like partying, anyway. He is finally getting on the up and up, and I'm thinking we can probably plan for this to happen in February.

I say all this to say, I need to know if this is just too much of a buttery, dripping, gagging, sweet, froo-froo, fairy bullshit verse for my engagement party invitations. I promised Travis I wouldn't send it to his friends--just family. He was all like, "Oh, my God, can I have my balls back?" And, I'm all like, "No, you're getting married. Didn't you know that the definition of 'married' is neutered?" So, anyway, I need you to help me out. I would make a true little survey thingy, but, let's be real, I'm lazy and worthless and I just don't give enough of a damn.

You can vote by either leaving a comment or clicking one of the little check boxes below the post (either "funny/interesting" or "lame"--we'll assume funny/interesting also means, cute, creative, fun, and any other positive descriptive your dirty little minds can come up with). I added those little boxes so my lovely readers can tell me what they like and don't like without having to go through the trouble of leaving a comment if they don't want to or don't have anything really to say. So, I urge you to please take part in my little checky boxes (now and in other posts) 1) because they are cute and 2) because I love you so much and you just want to do nice things for me because that's the kind of people you guys are. Sooooo, without further ado, here is the verse I want to use (because "Please join us in celebrating the engagement of Linz and Travis" is just so fucking lame):

One starry night, down on one knee

Travis asked Linz, "Will you marry me?"

Linz said, "Yes, you're the love of my life.

I can't wait to be your wife!"

OK, please feel free to gag repeatedly. I sure am. But, please vote or leave a comment. I appreciate ya'll!

Joke: Hypocrite

A man was being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turned yellow, just in front of him. He did the right thing, stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.

The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the intersection, dropping her cell phone and makeup. As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a very serious police officer.

The officer ordered her to exit her car with her hands up. He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted, photographed and placed in a holding cell. After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer was waiting with her personal effects.

He said "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you and cussing a blue streak at him, and I noticed the 'What would Jesus Do?' bumper sticker and the 'Choose Life' license plate holder, and the 'Follow me to Sunday School' bumper sticker and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. Naturally, I assumed that you had stolen the car!"

Joke: And, That's When the Fight Started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I said, "Dust."

And, that's when the fight started...

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."

I bought her a scale.

And, that's when the fight started...

My wife was standing in the nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She was not happy with what she saw, and she said, "I feel horrible. I look old, fat, and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment."

I said, "Your eyesight is damn near perfect."

And, that's when the fight started...

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants to be a Millionaire" while we were in bed.

I turned to her and asked, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I asked, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't eve look at me this time, simply saying, "Yes."

So, I said, "Then, I'd like to phone a friend."

And, that's when the fight started...

Stressed Stressed Stressed!

I AM STRESSED! UGH!

12 Out of 10 People Agree

From MSNBC News:

"A solid plurality of the American public supports the economic stimulus plan that President-elect Barack Obama has proposed, according to the latest NBC News/Wall Street Journal poll.

[...]

"Obama’s stimulus package, which his team estimates will cost some $775 billion, includes:

• Distributing $500 in tax credits to individuals (and $1,000 to families)
• Providing money for shovel-ready construction projects
• Increasing production of renewable energy
• Expanding unemployment benefits and government-assisted health insurance.

"According to the poll, 43 percent believe the stimulus is a good idea, compared to 27 percent who think it’s a bad one, and 24 percent who don't have an opinion."

Now, before I let into this, they did say that "...the public also is concerned that the stimulus’ price tag might be too expensive and would increase the U.S. deficit." Which I believe. However, if 43 percent of the people they interviewed agree with Obama's plan, I'd say they probably didn't survey a good sampling of the population. Furthermore, if 24 percent of the people really have no opinion, they should be deported to another country immediately. How can you not give a damn what is going on with our economy right now? Are those 24 percent people all fucking millionaires or something? How can this be?! How can 43 percent agree with his plan, but 60 percent worry he's spending too much? How can those two numbers equate?! This does not compute. The system is down. This does not compute. The system is down. This does not compute...

You've Got to be Kidding: Inauguration is "Emergency"

From MSNBC News:

"President George W. Bush on Tuesday declared an emergency in the District of Columbia that will let the nation's capital tap deeper into federal coffers for Barack Obama's inauguration.

"Bush said that an emergency exists and ordered federal aid to supplement the $15 million in federal funds already appropriated for the event.

"White House spokesman Scott Stanzel said District of Columbia Mayor Adrian M. Fenty requested the emergency declaration on Jan. 7 because he decided that the rowds expected for the nation's 56th presidential inauguration would exceed the city's ability to protect the public.

"If the extra money is needed, it will come from the Federal Emergency and Management Agency budget, Stanzel said.

"In a statement, the White House said the assistance is available to the district for emergency measures to protect public health and safety.

"Fenty and others have said millions could descend on Washington for the inauguration."

Seriously? Seriously?! SERIOUSLY?! That is just un-fucking-believable. They want to use FEMA funds to control the crowds that will be in town for the inauguration? FEMA. Because it will be an "emergency". Who are they kidding? This is just the beginning of Obama's overzealous spending of tax dollars. I hope there are riots.

Calculate Your Dog's Age

Someone sent me a link to an article on Pedigree's site about dogs being able to see some colors. That was all fine and good and pretty cool, but then I found this. It is a calculator to see how old your specific dog is in dog years. I guess every breed is different. I never knew that. I thought it was about 7 years per calendar year. That would make my Chihuahua about to turn 14 in April. The calendar says he's about to turn 24! Wow. He'll be my age. That's kinds weird, seeing as how I think of him as my kid. Illegitimate much? LOL... I just thought I'd share.

Abnormalities of the Male Penis

Since I posted the dreaded penis post, I've had quite a bit of google traffic with searches related to penises. I can't say I mind. Because that shit is pretty funny. Of course, I've had not one, not two, but three searches for the word "circumcision"--one from Seattle, one from Gendale, Calif., and one unknown but in the US. I also had one from Paris that was just "penis". Those French people... My favorite one might be this one (click for larger), which searched for "heavy lifting now testicles hurt and penis soft":

Damn. That sucks.

But, these two (click for larger) are pretty good, too. They searched for "penis abnormalities" and "photos of abnormalities in the male penis" (as if there are abnormalities in the female penis...), respectively.

And, yes, I am getting entirely too much enjoyment out of this.

FYI: HOAs Can Take Away Your Rights

I found this post at A Dark Planet. It's about shitty Home Owner's Associations and their unchecked and absurd power. I don't know what the conclusion to the story is, but I just thought you might relate to the post if you live in a dreaded HOA. I will do my damnedest to never live in one, myself.

You've Got to be Kidding: Time for "Missing" Money

From MSNBC Weird News:

"H. Beatty Chadwick, 72, is approaching his 14th consecutive year behind bars, though he has not been charged with a crime. In a 1995 divorce hearing, a judge thought Chadwick was lying about $2.5 million in assets (his wife said he was hiding them; he said he lost them in a business deal) and locked him up for contempt of court, and he has been there ever since. News of the Weird first mentioned him in 2002, when he was closing in on the American record for contempt of court, which he now holds. Chadwick has never wavered in his story, and after an independent retired judge investigated in 2004 and failed to find any money, Chadwick's lawyer compared the 'missing' money to Saddam Hussein's 'missing' weapons of mass destruction (and also pointed to some Pennsylvania murderers who do less time than Chadwick has). [Philadelphia Inquirer, 12-23-08]"

This is why we don't have enough room in our prisons, and we have to let murders go early on "good behavior"? Because a man hiding money from his gold-digging wife even deserves to be in prison in the first place.

I'll Gladly Pay You Tuesday for Your Daugther Today*

From MSNBC News:

"GREENFIELD, Calif. - Police have arrested a Greenfield man for allegedly arranging to sell his 14-year-old daughter into marriage in exchange for $16,000, 100 cases of beer and several cases of meat.

"Police said they only learned of the deal after the 36-year-old man went to them to get his daughter back because payment wasn't made as promised. The man was arrested Sunday on suspicion of human trafficking.

"Officers also arrested an 18-year-old man on suspicion of statutory rape. Investigators believe the girl went willingly with the man, but she's under California's legal age of consent and can't legally marry.

"Police say arranged marriages involving underage girls have become a problem in this small Central Coast farming community."

Hell, what is California coming to? I thought that shit only happened in Alabama, Mississippi, and Georgia. She must have been a looker, too, boy! $16,000 and 100 cases of beer? Shewwee! That's a keeper!

*If you don't know what this means, see Urban Dictionary. Because if you don't get it, it really isn't funny.

FYI: Put On a Happy Face

For those of you with my blog in your reader (especially those that show the picture in there), you will be happy to know I am posting this just for you (especially you DaBlade, even though I said I wouldn't--I was just playing). Yes, I know you all want the penis post out of your peripheral vision as much as the next person. I'll be honest, it made me a little uncomfortable, too. I say "too" because I know it offended some of you. To this I say, "Oh, well." I won't apologize. If it was really that offensive, you don't have the sense of humor my blog requires. That doesn't mean I don't care for you (I do), I just think it is funny, and you don't. A little awkward, sure, but funny nonetheless. I hope by now you've figured out that this truly is a blog about just about everything, and I have a very strange and crude sense of humor. I grew up around the guys, and I just act like a complete idiot all the time (like most guys I know--no offense! LOL! JK!). No biggie. Anywho, if you couldn't take the penis blog, by all means, go. I will miss each and every one of you But, honestly, that sort of thing is just how and who I am. I wouldn't have it any other way. I've decided not to put a fence up for myself, in which I have to stay. I am more of a free-range chicken, if you catch my drift. All-in-all, I just want you to smile and enjoy your day. Sure, it may be a little awkward and weird, but we all need something to take our minds off the truly troublesome issues we all face. I hope you enjoy my blog, and, if you don't, there are tons of great ones out there. Ones without penises. I promise. So, just smile, and have a great day. Love you guys!

FYI: Dear Penis

Since Clay accused me of violating the Fairness Doctrine (see comments), I've been looking for a topic to post that was specifically for the boys. (Girls, please don't read if you are not interested in the male genitalia or are easily grossed out or think that private parts are private or other any such thing. I guess that goes for the boys, too.)

I was searching WebMD for articles about Sunday Night Syndrome (high levels of anxiety on Sunday nights due to worrying about going back to work) and anxiety, and I was getting disappointed. SNS is not actually a real medical term, apparently. I am experiencing some high levels of anxiety lately--maybe due to, oh, I don't know, the economy, dad being in the hospital, taxes, and Obama--especially on Sundays. I always have trouble sleeping, but Sunday's are impossible. I can't get to sleep and can't stay asleep if I ever get there.

No, I don't hate my job, and, most days, it isn't even particularly stressful. I'm not sure why I've been feeling this way lately. And, no, for the 10,437 time, I am NOT depressed. I guess it just has to do with so many people getting laid off and the state of my office since all of our work is now coming from the corporate office since the guy who sold his business to our business quit and reopened his business--taking all of our clients. But, we've been doing this for a year now, and it's just recently that I've been an anxious wreck.

Anywho, I was getting pretty irritated at the lack of valuable information, and I stumbled upon this little gem: 5 Things You Didn't Know About Your Penis. Being that I had a penis in a former life*, I had to read this article. It went a little something like this:

"No. 1: Your Penis Does Have a Mind of Its Own" - Your penis answers to the autonomic nervous system (the part that isn't under your conscious control), which can mean you get an erection when you really don't mean or want to. Also, impulses during REM sleep can cause erections--whether or not you are dreaming about Eva Longoria. Even heavy lifting or straining to take a dump can make you erect. Things that can make your penis shrink in it's flaccid ("soft") state include exposure to cold water or air and stress. So, try to relax.

"No. 2: Your Penis May Be a 'Grower' or a 'Show-er'" - Increases from the flaccid to erect state can vary greatly. If your penis is much smaller when flaccid, it is said to be a "grower", and, if it is about the same flaccid and erect, it is deemed a "show-er". Thus, the man in the locker room with the donkey dick may not really be that much bigger when hard, so don't be too ashamed. Of course, he may be a grower, too, so, hell, I don't know what you do. Why are you looking at another man's penis, anyway?

"No. 3: Your Penis Is Shaped Like a Boomerang" - That's right, you throw it and it always come back to you. So, sling the cock freely. Er, I mean, actually, the penis goes into the body and connects to the pubic bone. In the procedure to enlarge the penis, the ligament holding the root of the pelvis is cut, allowing it to protrude out of the body farther. Unfortunately, this weakens the base of the penis. See No. 4.

"No. 4: You Can Break Your Penis" - Even though there is no bone in the penis (which makes the term "boner" strange...), you can hurt it. So, the next time you're beating your dick like it owes you money, chill out a little. (Also, don't let your girl get too carried away.) It happens very rarely, but, most often, it happens to younger men whose erections are very rigid.

"No. 5: Most Penises in the World Are Uncut" - Jewish and Muslim men make up 70% of circumcised penises worldwide, but only about 30% of the world's 15 and older male population is cut. Approximately 65% of newborn Americans get circumcised, and the WHO recommends it for adult men due to a decreased risk of getting AIDS--even though there has been much controversy about the health benefits of circumcision lately.

So, there you have it. A man's post by a man's man woman.

*Or so I've been told. The conversation went sort of like this:

Guy: "Girls don't like football, guns, and motorcycles."

Me: "I do."

Guy: "Yeah, but you had a penis in a former life, so you don't count."

IIIIIIII'MMMMM GAY

This is the Kia Sportage they gave Travis when he took his 1965 Mustang in to get it fixed (from a not-at-fault wreck). Something about this car just says, "I'm a little feminine." I don't know what it is exactly--can't quite put my finger on it. Perhaps my good buddy Jeff Dunham can help. The clip of interest is at about the 2 minute mark (to about 3 minutes).

Oh, now I get it. And, if you don't think that is the funniest shit ever, well, I just don't know if I can be your friend anymore.